neilisa.geo
sky's Cancer Blog
December 3, 2007
| Banana Pancakes and the insanity of it all | Views: 356 |
You know what? Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes I just get tired of trying to be upbeat, optimistic and putting on a happy face for all my friends. They all admire my courage for fighting cancer but I’m just tired. I’m sick of being tired. I’m sick and tired of being tired. I’m sick of being an emotional basket case because of the drugs. There are so many of them running through my system that I sometimes don’t even know what my own emotions are anymore.
Last week Wednesday, I had a bone drug treatment. I spent the rest of the night a COMPLETE basket case. I kept badgering my best friend that she was going to leave me. I wrote a long, regrettable email to a very close guy friend and accused him of backing off of our friendship (I called him later and asked him to ignore my emails). He’s been through this with me before so he knows it’s the drugs talking…but still… I spent the whole night crying, drowning in depression. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep a wink.
I finally got up at 6am, cleaned the kitchen, made banana pancakes (my latest craving) and scrambled eggs for breakfast, called in sick at work, and moped around the house. I managed only three hours of sleep. I was so exhausted, so emotionally drained that I felt like a zombie. My emotions were so close to the surface that a dirty kitchen would’ve reduced me to tears or a phone call from a friend would’ve started me boo-hooing over the phone.
My best friend tried to get me out of the house. Probably would’ve been a good idea except I was too tired to go anywhere…but unfortunately, not too tired to fall asleep.
I finally crashed at around 3am Friday morning and slept the entire day away. My best friend got me up long enough to take chemo pills, eat, drink, and then it was back to bed. Saturday was the same. I was in bed all day, sleeping. Got up long enough to make more banana pancakes and then it was back to bed. Sunday was a bit better. I found enough energy to get up for a few hours, then it was back to bed to sleep
I was no longer depressed, just really, really fatigued. I felt like my body was just making an effort in moving around. My muscles felt really sluggish and I was constantly light-headed.
There was concern among my friends that I’d lost the will to live. But, no, that wasn’t the case with me. I hadn’t lost the will to live. I was just very fatigued.
Today is the first day I’ve been able to get up and around. I still called in sick but I felt much better. I did all the usual, took meds, ate, drank water, cleaned up, and then spent the day on the couch, watching TV. I’m expecting tomorrow to be even better.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to work. I miss my friends. I miss getting up and doing things. I miss so much. I feel like I’m missing so much of my life. Do you know what’s even scary? That life is so tenuous that it can change any second. I hate that. I just want stability. I don’t want things to change. Oh…I don’t know what I want.
I want my energy back, my thrill for life. I’m so exhausted, like a gerbil on an endless treadmill. I keep going and going but there’s no end in sight with this battle.
When will it end???
Banana Pancakes and the insanity of it all, 
6 comments)
02.08.08 - 
Juliette Randall 
Cameron Bethuram 
MO 
Thanks for your support -
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired too. It took everything I had to get myself out of bed and get to work today and my boss gave me crap for being 10 min late. I bit my tounge until I thought I was going to bite it off. He has no idea how hard it is to get up and move in the morning and get out the door when you feel like you haven’t slept in weeks.
Hang in there
Donna
What can I say to you. It’s not fair. Cancer sucks. I spent yesterday on the sofa watching old movies. I was trying to be in a good mood but wasn’t. I hid it from my husband.
I know one thing. Our friends and family expect us to be strong, resilient, capable, etc. It’s how we want to be seen. We are those things but we are also scared, lonely, tired, etc. It’s OK to be all these things.
Allow yourself to be less than the perfect cancer survivor. (There is no such thing as the perfect cancer survivor.) It’s OK to be emotional and it’s OK to want banana pancakes. You will get through this and your friends will still love and support you. Don’t feel guilty about these episodes. They are a natural result of this terrible, terrible disease.
I really feel for what you have to go through. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to endure. I don’t think it’s possible to put on a happy face 24/7 because we’re all human. For those who have to battle cancer, there’s only so much we can handle, and then it becomes overwhelming. I usually wear my emotions right out on my sleeve, open to all my loved ones, and it helps me get through my own battles. I can’t keep everything bottled up inside. I’m sure they’d like to see me raising my fist in the air like a strong cancer survivor… but I don’t know how to fake my true feelings – nor do I want to. You have a very positive attitude, even during the bad days. You are amazing Grace. But also, let yourself cry with those who love you. They might surprise you. You might just get that shoulder to cry on or that extra leg to stand on when things aren’t going well. I’m not saying to be a miserable downer around others all the time – just let your friends and family know that you need their support, especially when days are bad. God bless and hang in there!
banana pancakes sound good.. Hang in there we all have those bad weeks. I know you get tired of hearing that also. But we are all hear for you to vent off on. You do what ever you have to do to get through this, and you will.. Those of us that have been there no what your felling.. The bad feelings will pass, if eating Banana pancakes make you feel better enjoy them. It will be better day tomorrow
Cheryl
Grace – Ugh! What a post. I totally feel your pain. Today I went to the urgent care to try and get rid of a dumb damn cold and I was so flipping overwhelmed by it all I started crying in front of the nurse. What the hell? I keep wondering when my emotions are going to mellow out and I have been done with treatment for awhile now. I feel like I don’t have an excuse anymore for being so emotional. But I just can’t get past it some days. Other days are better though, gotta keep moving forward. Remember the good days. Not sure this helps any, but I am thinking of you.
Oh My!
We have all been there. We are there much too often. You are not alone in this, at all. You are talking to the people who know exactly how what you are experiencing feels. When will it end? I don’t believe it does end. I wish there were magic words to make it go away. There are times when it doesn’t seem as intense, when it is not taking over your life 100%. But it is always there. Do you find yourself listening to someone talking to you and the only thing you can think about is “I have cancer” or “I am dying”? Things seem so out of whack. But when we give to others the love and caring and support we have to offer the pain dininishes. I feel best when I am supporting someone who is newly diagnosed or has another problem that requires a strong shoulder and comforting words. So although we can’t expect our diagnosis to disappear we can find moments of reprieve when we take what we have learned and guide others with our new-found wisdom. It feels good. It works for me,
Gaile