sky's Cancer Blog

October 14, 2007

Welcome to the Chemo Rollercoaster

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I hope everyone is doing well. I know it’s not been an easy week for some, like Donna, but hope springs eternal, that little light still flickering with possibilities of extending the journey.

It’s early and I’m undecided if I should really be making this entry. When I’m this melancholy, I feel like the cavernous depths of my heart are exposed and everything locked up in there comes flowing out like a flood; a flood that I release by writing.

Funny how battling cancer has changed that part of my life. During the BC (before Cancer) era, I was a very private, reserved person. My personal issues, feelings, emotions, etc., were my own. I let very few people into my life during that time. I kept all of them at a distance.

The AC era was different. I went through a gradual change. I feel like when I’m fighting for my life, what do I have to hide? What’s the big deal of keeping people at a distance when I need them to love and support me. My whole life is now an open book, my feelings, failures, weaknesses, depressions, successes…EVERYTHING is out in the open. My health is constant news among my friends and family and there’s nothing that’s TMI (too much information).

I regret that I was so reserved before the cancer hit. I feel like my eyes have been opened to life and what others are going through. I’ve opened myself up to friends and I’m constantly shocked, awed, and touched by the lives they live. Some call me courageous but there are many women who haven’t had cancer who are just as strong and courageous. They just walk a different albeit difficult path.

I’ve just ended my 4th cycle of chemo. I have two more to go. The cumulative effects have been, at best, an inconvenience. It’s often 70 degrees outside, while indoors, I feel like it’s -20 degrees and I’m donning those gay apparel called winter clothes just to stay warm. Fatigue also haunts me like a relentless pain in the butt that won’t go away.

On a good note, although my hands and feet are discolored and very sensitive, they haven’t peeled or burned. I’ve not had any mouth sores (thanks to Listerine), and I’m still able to work.

Besides scrapbooking during my leisure time, I’ve taken up jewelry making. It’s fun and I can sell it on Ebay. I used to make jewelry as a little girl. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it. I’ve added a picture of one of the first pieces I made. It’s so much fun to create.

I have a secret to tell. I’m afraid to sleep. Since the cancer came back, the fatigue often forces me to sleep, but when given a choice, like right now, I try to stay up. I don’t want to miss a single moment of my life. I want to seize it, bask in it, let it flow through me and just live.

Posted on October 14, 2007 at 2:31:29 AM by Grace ( Welcome to the Chemo Rollercoaster, 1 comment)

I love that. Love that you are so much more open now. I try to do the same. Life is too short. Got to tell everyone how much they mean to you, even strangers.

Posted on October 15, 2007 at 6:58:22 PM by jill