sky's Cancer Blog

September 11, 2007

Facing the Fear of Dying

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I think anyone facing such a cruel and unrelenting disease like cancer inevitably has to face what I call the great “What if”. What if I lose this battle? What if I die?

When I battled cancer the first time around, I learned so much about myself and for the first time, I also learned of my deep-seeded fears…and dying was one of them. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid of dying so young, leaving behind loved ones, and almost bitter at the dreams I might not have a chance to fulfill. Facing those fears were, to my great relief, put on hold when I was declared cancer-free.

Of course, the cancer merely retreated…preparing to fight another day.

This second battle is much more perilous, more fervent and exhausting. Those fears that briefly reared their heads the first time around came back to haunt me again.

Everyone has his or her idea of heaven, I suppose. I’m a born-again Christian and my idea of heaven is where my Father resides, where my loved ones wait for me, where I will go when I’m done with this world.

Until recently, I’ve never had to deal with the fear of dying. Before, it was this great unknown, this darkness that I was afraid to look at. It was something to fear, to shun.

During one of those times when I was discouraged and fighting despair, a friend helped me to see that death is not something to fear but to look forward to when your time has come. Everyone inevitably dies. It is a part of life. It is just a matter of when that happens that is a mystery.

I knew I had to face this fear. It had no place in my life. It was a constant torment and the only way to get rid of it was to admit it was there and face it.

I finally looked at that black hole and realized one great and happy truth: I would see loved ones, friends and family I’ve lost over the years. Most especially, I would see my grandmother again. She died ten years ago and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.

I realized then that I do, at this moment, have the best of both worlds. While I live, I have friends and family to love, joy to share, and kindness to show. When the time comes for me to die, there are other loved ones waiting for me on the other side, but most especially, I will finally look on my Lord’s face.

Posted on September 11, 2007 at 4:28:21 PM by Grace ( Facing the Fear of Dying, 2 comments)

You are so sweet and positive. I need to learn from you Grace.

Posted on September 11, 2007 at 7:39:13 PM by jill

What a great attitude! Faith in God has been my greatest comfort as well.

Posted on September 12, 2007 at 8:48:07 AM by melsamei